Unanswered Questions
by Laura2
Summary: Post-The Gift. Spike POV. His thoughts on Buffy's death. Yes spoilers. Please R&R.


Unanswered Questions

Unanswered Questions

Gone. She was really gone. I was there, just hours before, and saw her lying there. The second I saw it I knew what happened.I was completely taken with grief.I couldn't bear to look at her, and completely broke down in front of all her friends. They were in pure shock, just standing there like the fools they are, all of them. I fell to the ground, head in hands, and cried like I would never stop, me, the supposedly 'strong' one. I'm supposed to be the one that doesn't care about any of it, at least according to them. Well, I'll tell you one thing, I don't think any of them doubt my love for her now, not that it matters anymore.Nothing does, now. 

When I finally had some sense left in me, I realized I was not the only one crying. The others where in to much of their mortal "denial" and "shock" to even shed one bloody tear, but I turned around and saw Dawn, the sister that Buffy gave her life to protect, and all of a sudden my grief turned to anger. Why, why did Buffy give her life, such a bloody beautiful, good life to protect this little girl who isn't even her real sister! Why did she have to be so perfect all the time, and always, always right! I actually tried to attack the girl, for both the human and demon in me wanted the revenge. Giles got to Dawn and pulled her out of the way before I could hurt her though, thank god. Not that I could of anyway, my soddin' chip activated the second I took two steps toward her. The pain almost knocked me out. Wish it had, for even though I can't feel guilt, I could've sworn it was there, 'cause I knew I had almost broken the promise I made to Buffy not 2 hour before.I was that bloody stupid at the time, my brain, turned to nothing but a big hole in my head with the picture of her lying there burned forever inside. 

Forever. A word I rarely used, for if I've learned anything in my long unlife it's that there is no forever, and anyone who believes in forever is a complete fool.Not even vampires live forever, just a lot longer then most other creatures. No, either you got staked or you got so bloody tired of it all you took your own life. I used to believe being a vampire was the only way to live, but that was before her and this sodding chip turned my life upside down.

Giles was the first one to dare move. He carried Buffy, and then with Dawn in hand, turned to leave the gruesome scene. Xander, carrying an almost unconscious Anya followed; then Red with Tara by the hand who seemed unusually normal now (only later did I find out about the spell Will cast); and then me.We all went to our homes, too exhausted from battle, fright, and grief to do anything but. Dawn went home to Giles'. Crickets chirped, and the moon shone beautifully as if it were any normal night.I was angry at the earth and sky now too.It was lucky for the vamps none tried to stop me on the way back to my crypt, for William the Bloody's wrath would be even more famous then Angelus' then.

My first reaction to her death was the sudden grief and reality of it all.The second was anger.Now, as I stepped through the door into the ice-cold lair I call my home, my anger magnified a hundred times into a blindless rage. I was angry at everything and everyone. Her friends, for not doing more to stop her; Dawn, for how can she be that innocent when she let her sister die to save her own self; the world, for going on as if nothing went so horribly wrong; and myself, for if I had only been stronger while fighting the Doc I could have saved both Dawn, the world, and Buffy. Maybe even...earned her love. But it is too late for that. Lastly, I was mad at Buffy. How could she, how dare she be so selfless and selfish at the same time!? Everyone else sees it as reckless courage to save her sister, but I know better then that. She's wanted it from the beginning. Death. It's what the slayer is and does.The only thing that kept her here longer then the others was her ties to the mortal world, her family and friends. But, slowly, those ties broke loose. First Angel, then Riley, and then her mum. To lose one more person would be too much for her, as she proved to us when going into that coma after Glory got her ugly god-like hands on the key. So, yes she gave up her life to save her sister. But it was also her one way out of the life she never asked for. The life of a slayer. 

But I ask you, did she think for one minute about the others who she left behind? Those who cared for her and loved her? No! I bang my fist against the wall. How could she do this to me? How could she leave me with all of my unanswered questions? Like why she kissed me if she didn't love me, and what the point of my promising to protect Dawn was if she didn't trust me? Is it possible that at some point in these last two crazy years she considered me as something other then a friend? And all of a sudden, another question hits me like a slap in the face. What was to keep me in Sunnydale with Buffy gone? She was the only reason I stayed, the only reason I got up each morning...the only thing that kept her friends from killing me. Now that she was gone, what reason did they have not to stake me? Surely, one of them would have done it long ago had he the chance; Namely Xander, had their not always been some little interference just in time, usually having to do with Buffy and the World, saving of. No, sadly I think it would be better for everyone if I just disappeared from little ol' Sunnydale, this time for good. But before I do...I must rid Buffy from my mind once and for all. I pull out my box of Buffy specs, (that's right, the whole deal, Pictures, sketches, clothes and all) and with my lighter set 'em on fire. I watch as the flames skip to an invisible beat, slowly destroying possesions as they go along... almost as if they were dancing...the way she and I used to. Cold, angry tears return as I watch the red-hot blaze. I reach in and quickly grab a picture that has not been caught yet by the ugly flames, for I cannot help myself.I then spend the remainder of the night drowning in my sorrow and self-pity while reflecting on this past year, and the ugly memories that shall forever plague my mind of that night. For, apocalypse it might not of been, but it was the end of the world to me.


End file.
